Ready to Cry

CW:  Need to start weighing myself after binges
CP: Oxyelite
CD:  ABC

Binged last night.  And now that I went through some of your blogs I am feeling really guilty about it.  I had found an old diary yesterday from like 1.5/2 years ago and it was a tough read.  I felt really alone and for some reason instead of finding comfort in not eating I found it in a BLT, toast, pita with dip, granola bar, buttered popcorn, spaghetti, ice cream, pop tart.  And I didnt even purge.  How stupid and fat I am.  I hate myself  for being so weak all the time.  Today to make up for it I am going to fast.  Just water and 0 cal drinks.  Then tomorrow I work a double which will not allow me to eat much if anything.  Its time I start punishing myself.  Its time I stop thinking its not a big deal.  Its time for me to be skinny.  Its time for me to start working out daily.  And to start working harder at my career goals.  I want to have it all and look good doing it.  I want people to think, I dont know how she does it.  I want to be envied and loved.

Daily Thinspo

How badly i want this

 

Distract Me

CW: 105.6
CP:  oxyelite pro
CD:  ABC diet

I got off work super early today which is scary because I like to be busy so I dont think of food.  I should go to the gym but I am afraid if I leave my house Ill end up going to some fast food joint and binge.  So instead I am going to sit and read all of your blogs and stare at thinspo and watch tv that reminds me not to eat.  I tend to watch fasion/model shows or real housewives because they are always so thin and twice my age.  If they can do I best be able to!  I get 400 cal today which is a lot in comparison to what you usually get on this diet.  Just hope it doesnt lead to a binge!  Intake:

Nature valley honey oat granola bar=  95cal
Lean Cuisine Sesame stir fry with chicken=  290cal
2 Diet 7-up= 0cal


Looks like I will have to get a smaller wardrobe than I was hoping for since I went and got the dimensions of my new apartment but its probably a good thing and more realistic in the long run anyway. Hopefully as my clothes get smaller Ill need less space to store them hehe. Getting kinda nervous for the move especially since I am not sure how I am going to move all this heavy stuff by myself...  Ironically enough the boy I have a huge crush on moves furniture for a living haha typical but I know I couldnt ask him anyway.  Hopefully some friends will help me but I doubt it.  Hopefully while on my own love will come a little easier.  Guess we will see.

Thinspo

so jealous of skinny girls with boobs...so unfair

Hope this is me this summer for the first time in my life

On again Off again On again

CW:  106.2
CP:  Oxyelite
CD:  ABC round five million

I figured since I am not sleeping anyway I would start back on my oxyelite pro pills to help me get back on track.  I seem to be struggling lately just getting started and staying in line for more than three days its ridiculous.  I set 300 cal as my limit today and so far I am with in boundaries but I was feeling the hunger pretty bad.  Its because on Saturday I stumbled into a bread/bakery shop and I caved with a quickness.  I will spare you the nasty details of the two day binge but lets just say two sweet loaves just got me started:(  But leaving the past in the past.  Intake for the day:

Lean cuisine grilled chicken caesar: 240cal
Diet 7 up:  0cal
1 sugar free chocolate pudding (maybe):  60 cal

Now that I have put a deposit on a place, started my new job, and feeling less depressed I am hoping to stay on track.  I will have to redo my goal/reward section which I would normally never do but I am trying not to stunt my growth as a person.  Plus I figure when on my own I will probably lose a lot because I will be too broke to eat anyway.

Although I am feeling less depressed I am feeling lonely on the love front.  But it's almost a numb feeling at the same time.  This last stream of rejection in my life has really forced me into hiding from my emotions.  Either that or I am dealing with them exceptionally well that I do not even realize.  Doubtful.

Daily Thinspo

Get back up

CW:  FAT
CP:  nada
CD:  Back on track ABC

I refuse to allow myself to give up so easy.  Its been weeks since I posted and since I have been following how to create the lifestyle I want.  But today was positive and all I can do is focus on now.  Intake:

1 chai teabag= 0cal
1 diet 7-up=  0cal
Lean cuisine thai spring rolls=  200cal

Right on target for when I left off.  I got a second job and will be working a double tomorrow so not eating should be rather easy.  I had to get measured for the bridesmaid dress, she wouldnt give me the inches but she said my sizes are 0-2-0.  What a surprise fat ass waist.  Going to be working on that for sure.  I am working on getting my own place and I think I found one.  I am very excited about it.  I hope it works out.  This time is for real ladies so lets get to losing.  Hi to my new followers...I hope to follow your journey's as well and be supportive for each other.  Let me know what you like about weight loss blogs and I will try to include it!  I like interacting with everyone helps me stay focused.

Daily thinspo