Trouble

CW: 104.2
CP: Hoodia
CD: ABC Diet

Soooooooo I did really well till about 9:00 pm last night.  I ended up going over my 300 cal for a granola bar :(  This time I am not going to give up though.  Of course we are all going to fuck up our diets but I just need to get back on it.  Today is 400 cal and thats it!  It doesn't help though that the scale didnt move an inch.  I still need to take my measurements since those are more reliable than a scale but thats probably why I am putting it off. Oh intake yesterday.  I always find it helpful/interesting to see what others eat.

Lean Cuisine beef and macaroni= 250 cal
12 Grapes= 48 cal
1 strawberry granola bar= 120 cal :(

On the love front I havent heard from the boy I adore in over a week so I texted him this morning that I give up and he just said "I dont know what to tell you."  I think he's said it all right there.  I just have to let it go it wasnt meant to be no matter how bad I want it or work for it.  That seems to be a constant theme this year for me that no matter how bad or how hard I work for something I am just not able to obtain it.  Well the buck stops with my weight.  I will be fucking skinny.  Thats the only thing that doesnt require anyone else.  I can do it alone and will.  And I will show them they were wrong.  I am not crazy or messy.  I am calculated and deserving.  I wish I would have just purged that granola bar last night.  I just need to move out thats the only way I am going to be able to this.  I just need this week to be over so badly.  I am at the verge of tears every minute.  Not that having the weekend will help because my house is still full of people I cant get away from. Over it.

By the way, any short girl bloggers out there or know of any.  Not that I have anything against you tall girls but it would be nice to find some comparisons like 5'2 and under??? thanks

Daily Thinspo

Rushed

CW:  104.2
CP:  Hoodia
CD:  ABC Diet


I barely made it through the day yesterday in 500 cal on the dot.  Intake


1/2 Lean cuisine chicken thai spring roll= 133
1/2 Starburst= 10
Smart ones chicken enchilada= 290
Jello mousse= 60


Today will be the real test.  I get 300 cal and havent been able to make it through this day on this diet in the past.  I was really hoping this boy would at least text me happy valentines day yesterday but he didnt.  I am realizing that I just need to get over him and everything else I failed at in my life and just focus on my eating and work. I also want to become a more stringent and organized person.  I am sick of being messy and crazy.  Its time I get my shit together.  Well I gotta get ready for work.  Keep your fingers crossed I do well today ladies!


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Oh how i wish

Don't You Let Me Go

CW:  Too fat to step on the scale
CP:  Hoodia
CD:  ABC Diet

Yesterday was semi-successful.  I was able to stay with in 500 cal but those are the easy days.  I totaled out at 470 cal.  Intake:
Lean Cuisine sesame chicken= 330cal
Health Vally Chocolate Toaster= 140cal

I didnt work out though and it was pretty hard resisting binging.  Today is Valentines Day....just a reminder of how alone I will be forever.  I feel like there are always though people who will never find someone it just sucks because that's all I have wanted.  My mum is out of town for a week but I have an aunt and uncle staying with me.  I really wanted the house to myself to get my bearings.  I wish people would understand that I just need to be alone because they cannot fill the void I feel and provoke my anxiety instead.  I cant be entertaining all the time its mentally exhausting for me.  I just want to have my own place already where I can not eat if I dont want to.  I can sit in a quiet room and not talk to anyone if I dont want to.  With out being judged.  Life is becoming just too much for me.  Maybe I'll just take a few days off and just drive somewhere, anywhere by myself.  Really its just cuz I want him.  The him that refuses me.  That makes me melt.  That whispers he loves me, and means it.  To be happy with.  And I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting and needing that, it's just unlikely so people tell you to be happy with yourself.  But I already I know I cant do that.

Daily Thinspo

I want to be sexy like her with the one shoulder

 I want to just simply be her, platinum blonde, long skinny legs, bad ass but delicate

Please Please Please

CW: Real Fucking FAT
CP: Hoodia
CD: ABC Diet Redo


Thank you so much for the comments you wouldnt believe how I wanted to jump for joy to see them and then when I read them and they were not hateful...bliss I was in haha.  Well I spent the weekend binging but didnt purge again though its all I thought about.  I am going to restart ana boot camp today and if I dont make it through the week successfully I may have to put this off for a minute.  I got pretty thrashed on friday for a mates birthday.  I then proceeded to make an ass out of myself at this boys house that I have been kinda seeing.  Apparently I was acting "fucking crazy" and he almost kicked me out.  I dont have a recollection of this but I wouldnt put it past me.  I have been rather self destructive lately due to the rejection of grad school, having my heart broken, financial anguish and just overall severe depression and anxiety.  I tried to get some anti-anxiety meds from the doc but that didnt work out.  I dont know how people can just call you crazy and not realize that if they honestly mean that then I have a problem and you should want to get me help if you care.  I couldnt be screaming any louder for help.  Every day I drive to work and try to think of ways to kill myself.  But then instead I just restrict my diet or binge and more recently purge.  I am a failure at an eating disorder, a failure at depression, I mean I guess my anxiety is doing pretty well if I have people calling me crazy haha.  I really hope these feelings go away.  I wish I could just be alone but I cant afford my own place and for instance I have a bunch of family in town right now sucking the life out of me and they just make noise all the time.  My anxiety is so bad I just want to sit in a silent room away from everyone but at the same time I am so desperate for affection.  Ah.  Today I am going to stay strong, focused.  Not eat.  Cheers.


Daily Thinspo

This is my greatest fear.